Just Be Held

This is going to be a tough one to write.... This year has been one of those world wind kind of years that leaves you feeling like you can't get a grasp on your footing. It is a year that has tested who I am as a woman, who I am as a person, and who I am in Christ. There have been a lot of great times and people I have met, but there have been some of my lowest points. There have been times where I lost sight of who I was. I have laughed, I have made lots of changes,  but this year has definitely been a year for the tears....
 Heartaches, worries, fears becoming reality, and so much more.... There have been times where I literally did not even have the strength to pull myself up from the depths, not even from my bed. There have been times where I find myself unable to get off my knees for hours while praying and seeking and calling out to God. Things so far beyond my control that I couldn't even handle. And when life gets tough, Tiffany cries... Y'all. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm nervous, when I'm scared, when I'm hurt, when I'm passionate about something, when something really matters to me... The list could go on. But let me tell you. There is no tears like the tears of devestation. When you can't be there for someone, when someone is hurting/sick and there's nothing you can do about, when you feel the betrayal of a close friend, when you feel oh so very alone, when someone treats you in a ways that is less than you deserve/a way that you would NEVER treat them, or the worst- the loss of someone you never thought you would lose.... Those are where those gut wrenching tears come from. That's when I feel like I can't hold it together. But you have to. You have to be strong. You have to have it all together. You just have to.
All these things kept posing questions in my head, and if you know me you know I have a thousand questions anyways haha. Questions like: "Who are you REALLY?"  "Are you REALLY strong enough for this?" "Are you REALLY good enough for them or for that?" "Do you REALLY even matter?"  Those are all such self- defeating questions. Ones that attack you to your very core.... Those are the questions that consumed my mind, and that I still fight to the day. But here's the thing.... All of those questions are lies being fed by the enemy. Lies that my mind and my heart have fallen prey to for a long long time.
I am a self proclaimed worry-wart.. I am also a tad bit of a control freak... I worry about everything. And feel the need to fix everything. It's terrible and it's something I have been working on releasing to God for a long time. With that being sad, the year of tears has also been the breaking point for this control freak worry- wart. This year has left me at the point of broken and falling apart. But at that point is probably one of the most beautiful places I can find myself. Because that place leads you right into the arms of Jesus. Through this year of tears, I can tell you right now I have never been more in the presence of Jesus than I have in this year. The beginning of the year I found myself at a bit of odds with God. I found myself fighting the tug He was placing on my heart because I was too preoccupied with the things of the world and the things I wanted. But it was in the first full on breakdown around my birthday that lead to my first "crawl into the lap of Jesus" if you will session.  I have sought God harder and stronger through my trials and anguish this year than probably any other time in my life. Because many of these trials left me with the question "why me?"  Pathetic right? But that one question led to the deepening love for time with my Heavenly Father. Because in those times of questioning and self doubt, it was as if God was telling "Oh Tiffany, come sit in my lap and let me hold You. I have a plan and I will rescue you, just let Me hold you."  And so I did. I let Jesus hold me. Although I would never want to relive this year as it has definitely been a season of real struggle and lots of questions, I would not trade it. I am so thankful for the hardships that have led me to the lap and arms of Jesus. Those times are when I have felt the most direction God has ever given me, and I would not have had that had it not been crawling into his presence and just letting Him hold me and lead me and comfort me.
It took some tough love from a friend saying "You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve better. That you are worth more. You have to do that." And that's just it. We have to love ourselves enough to know that we are worth a great price. A price that God so willingly paid for us with Jesus.  We don't have to be strong enough, we don't have to have it all together, we don't have to be perfect... We just have to realize our need for a savior, and just let Him hold us through the trials and learn and grow.  The song "Just be Held" by Casting Crowns has been such a ministry to my heart recently... Just let the words of the song sink in.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go

Stop holding on and just be held... I don't know about y'all but that just sends chills down my spine. God is so willing to just hold us. We are never promised an easy way through life, if fact the bible says we will face many trials. But God has over come the world and He is much bigger than our trials and circumstances. He just wants us to trust him. To let go. And just let Him hold us. That gives me such comfort. God is never done with us until He calls us home. He promises to finish the works He starts in us until the day Jesus comes back (Phil. 1:8). God never leaves us or forsakes us. He just loves us. So those this has been the year of tears. It has been the year of being held closer than ever by the God of the universe who has plans beyond our understanding. I know God is just beginning to write my story. And every story has some rough patches, but even with those rough patches there is beauty. So today, on Thanksgiving. I chose to be thankful for the trials and hardships and heartaches. But more so, I am thankful for a faithful and loving God who will hold me 💗.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬