As The Decade Ends....

Y’all, i don’t blog often.  And when i do, it’s usually because i have something i need to say. So here it goes....

To say that i am ready for new is an understatement.... 

This past decade of life has not been the best for me. I have felt more pain, heart ache, loss, devastation, and hopelessness in the past 10 years than i could have ever imagined. If you would have told 20 year old Tiffany 10 years ago what was laying ahead of her, she would have thought you were lying.... 

The loss of not one, but both my parents.  

The destruction of my little family bubble. 

The loss of friendships you never thought or imagined would end. 

Switching jobs and complete career fields. 

The destruction, the Hiroshima really, of the picture in my head of what i thought my life would look like by now. 

And unfortunately, at times, the loss of my own self worth, self esteem, and direction. 

These are just few of the lowlights of the past ten years.. If you and i were sitting across from one another at coffee i could go into detail of all the things, but there’s just not enough words or time to describe all the things. I have felt my heart shatter more times than i can count, I’m actually surprised that it still works at this point! The only thing i can attribute to my survival is the sheer grace of Jesus.

I’ve grown up in church my whole life. I’ve read the passages, I’ve sang the Hymns, I’ve prayed the prayers. I could given you all the text cliche answers people expect you to say or turn to. But sometimes, God literally has to carry (drag) you through some things! If you’re still reading this far, kudos to you! I promise it’s not all doom and gloom! It’s really a story about Jesus. 

I remember when my mom died when i was 22. Having to make decisions that no 22 year old should be in charge of making like what measures should be taken to keep her alive. It was God who held me as i walked down the path of losing a mother when i had no clue what i was doing in life. God placed friends in my life who literally took care of me in a way my mother would have. I never imagined losing my mother young, and i always thought it would kill me. But God walked with me through it. It’s never gotten easier, but grace helps me through it. 

With the loss of my mom, i clung that much closer to my Dad. So when my dad told me he was getting remarried, i was less than pleased. AND THEY MOVED AWAY FROM ME BACK TO ALABAMA! But that lady too turned into a blessing..... God knew that Judy was the mom i would need for the seasons ahead. Now, I’m not saying i don’t need my mom- my mom was my rock. But God became my rock, and Judy became a source of encouragement deeply rooted in the trenches. She’s one i can call and talk to and she always has Godly wisdom. Y’all, no part of my family is quiet..... we are all loud. I get it from both sides. If you’re thinking, “but wait she’s quiet”, no I’m not. Trust me, get to know me. Y’all will see the Payton/Green sides real fast. But Judy has a quiet strength about her,  one that is steady. One from her own years of digging and crawling in the trenches of this life. I hope one day, i too will be blessed with that quiet steadfast strength. Although we live many miles away, i know she’s only a phone call away. I was worried when my dad passed that i would lose her too, but she has firmly secured herself in my life making sure i know she loves me as her own. 

The Christmas before my dad died, i went to Alabama to spend it with my family. Due to some things that had happened throughout the year, my Dads health had taken a nose dive. My Dad was always this solid rock of a man, inside and out. But he was suffering. It was hard to watch and my heart was breaking. I made my Dad promise to hang in there. To get better. I told him “you have to walk me down the aisle someday, promise me you will keep fighting to get better”. He made that promise, but that was not a promise he could keep. He passed away the following June. He was completely healed, a prayer we had all be praying for, just not how we pictured it. I remember flying to Alabama all alone. Hiding in the bathroom at the funeral home, feeling completely alone, and in walked Rachael (my step niece- she’s around my same age, all my siblings are older than me). She sat with me while i cried. God gave me a friend to lean on when my Oklahoma family (my God given family) couldn’t be there. I remember sitting at the funeral and praying and crying, and feeling this complete rush of peace wash over me. I knew Jesus was there with me too. When i felt completely orphaned, God reminded me i was first His daughter, and still am. 

I won’t go into too much detail with the loss of friendships. We all know the pains of this I’m sure.... People grow apart. People hurt us. We hurt people. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, and sometimes that’s painful to accept. But when their time is done, LET THEM GO. It’s a painful struggle you will never win. If they are truly meant to be in your life, they will be there. Regardless of the mess, but sometimes with remarked boundaries.  But God has provided me with a handful of faithful friendships who have walked down the painful paths life has taken me. Who have sat in hospital hallways crying with me. Who have welcomed me into their families when i had none. Who have listened to me cry and cry and cry, and never ridiculed or judged me. Who offer encouraging words and listening ears when i need them the most. Who’ve let me love on their babies, while i still pray and wait and hope that God has some for me. Who have literally walked through hell and back with me without wavering. Who believe in me more than i believe in myself. Who remind me Who’s i am, and who i am when i don’t see it myself. Who’ve prayed for me, and held me accountable in my walk. THEY ARE THE REAL MVPS. I know each friend, those who are current and those of the past, God put in my life for a reason. Whether it be a blessing or a lesson. 

Stemming from one of the biggest blessings God has given me in friendship form, are two of the greatest sources of joy in my life: my godsons Zak and Zayd. Literally they make my life so full. Being their Fifi is the best. They are the source of so much laughter and fun in my life! I did not know how much you could love someone so much until i met them 💙💙. I’m literally wrapped around their fingers. And they know it! 

Growing up, i wanted to be a meteorologist! But i quickly realized I’m terrified of tornadoes, soooo God said be a nurse! When my Dad was facing major surgery the summer after my junior year and there was a whole lot of family mess going on (coffee talk), i decided to drop out of college and move home to take care of my parents. Everyone has there opinions “you should go back to school” “you’re so close to finishing!”, but i know I made the right decision. That not only allowed me to be able to care for my parents, but it also gave me the last year i had with my mom that i would have not had otherwise (GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN). Shortly after my mom passed, i started working at an Oncology Clinic. It was some of those most rewarding and most difficult times of life. I was able to help people through some of the most difficult times of their lives. I saw people at their best, and at their worst. That takes a toll on your soul... Almost six years i worked there, mine soul was becoming very weary. When my Dad passed, i knew i could no longer handle this drain on my heart and my soul. Then my Dads best friend passed and that was my sign, it’s time to move on. One of my dearest friends Lindsey told me that there was a job opening in the court clerks office at the courthouse she worked at, and even though i had no real clue what a court clerk did and obviously i had no experience, i decided after a lot of prayer to submit my application. I got a call and set up an interview, and the same day i interviewed Amanda offered me the job. Much to my own surprise, i accepted right away. This was the new door God was opening for me. To this day i still don’t know why, but i know God placed me in Creek County for a reason. There’s no other explanation aside from it was a complete God thing. To be honest, i didn’t even know where Creek County was before this job! But here my city girl self is, living the creek county life. One of the hardest things i faced in this decision, was leaving what i knew and the family i had developed over those 6ish years for something completely foreign. But over the past 2 years, the girls in the court clerks office others i have been introduced to because of being there have become a new family to me. One that i would not trade for world. 

So although the past decade has been a series of valleys, there have been quite a few rays of sunshine and stream of grace showing me that God still has me. Sometimes when we face hard things, it’s difficult to remember that there is always room for Joy. Joy does not mean that you are happy 24/7. It just means that in the face of all that is bad, you can still see good. Even if it’s only the size of a mustard seed, good is good. My life is nothing like what i had pictured in my head, not the time line i had created for myself. I’m not married yet. I don’t have any kids yet. And those kids won’t get to know how awesome my parents would have been as grandparents to them. My dad won’t get to walk me down the aisle someday. I don’t have all of the outstanding achievements and successes attached to my name or degrees i hoped to achieve. And I’m learning that that is okay. To accept that Gods plan and time line for my life is better than any one i can create for myself. That is hard at times and i struggle with it. But I’m thankful that God gives me grace for that... 

I know there are many people hurting, who have faced similar things recently. So many people have lost loved ones. So many are struggling. So many have lost themselves. So many are chasing people or things, wearing themselves out. I’ve been there, shoot there are some  (most) days I’m still there. The journey to love myself is an everyday thing. The fight to regain my self worth and self esteem is an everyday battle, to take back what i lost. But i know that it is a fight and a journey that are so worth it.  I just want you to know you are not alone. You are loved. You matter. And you are seen. By others, but most importantly by God. In the words of the great Dr. Seuss “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

With the new decade approaching, I’m reminded that there is a time for everything. A time to mourn. And a time to dance. And I’m choosing to believe and hope and pray that the time for mourning is over, and this decade is going to hold a whole lot of dancing! Y’all i love to dance! Sure there will be tears, after all i am the self proclaimed queen of crying.... But i pray they are tears of great joy! For you and for me! 

“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy!” Psalms 126:5

Why I want to be like Captain Marvel

Captain Marvel.... YESSSS GIRL!

So I LOVE superhero movies..... I geek out for them! It probably links in to my love of fairytales. The hope that good will always prevail (still shook about Thanos’ little finger snap though) is something my heart clings to. I’ve been waiting for Captain Marvel for quite some time- and due to the life of working 2 jobs, i just now got to see it this evening! And oh man..... it did not disappoint!!! So many things, you just have to see it. There will be minimal spoilers from me, my point of this post is for other purposes.... This past week, a friend mentioned to me an article that bothered her about Captain Marvel- so obviously i read it. And it too, bothered me greatly. I wanted to wait until i watched the movie for myself before i voices my 2 cents on the matter...

Now let me say a few things before i get into my OPINION on the matter..... I am in no way a “feminist” nor am i am big fan of the term “toxic masculinity”. I’m a huge fan of the Christian figure whose well known site said article was found on, and was EXTREMELY disappointed to find its support and publishing of this article... I’m not discrediting him, or even his site- like i said I’m a big fan of both, just very disappointed.

Now, said article was published on “Desiring God” and was entitled “Behold Your Queen
The Real Conflict in Captain Marvel”. *insert HUGE eye roll at the title alone*. Y’all... I cannot. This author takes a lot of dangerous liberties. Some of the quotes that bothered me the most....
*“As I consider Disney’s new depiction of femininity in Captain Marvel, I cannot help but mourn. How far we’ve come since the days when we sought to protect and cherish our women.”*
Now..... I will agree with ONE aspect of this statement. From my own experience, and from the experience of many i know- so often the days of Cherishing and protecting women are gone. Women are viewed as objects or treated as choices. But this has NOTHING to do with figures like Captain Marvel or even the strength of women..... There is a larger issue at hand, and that is respect. I’ll get more into that later.... let me also add that this was altered SLIGHTLY by the author after outrage of stating that he mourns when women sought to be sleeping beauty, Snow White, etc. The exact wordage is off- but you get the idea. And where in the bible, do we find women that resemble the Snow White/Sleeping beauty types that the author is desperate to see again?!  You won’t! Because they aren’t in there.

*”Along with Disney, we abandon the traditional princess vibe, and seek to empower little girls everywhere to be strong like men. Cinderella trades her glass slipper for combat boots; Belle, her books for a bazooka.”*
Puhhhhhlease! I know plenty of STRONG WOMEN who have not given up their class or elegance, nor their books and intelligence to become strong. Women do NOT have to be one or the other. And Captain Marvel, nor any other female super hero, portrays it has to be so! Also, has this author forgotten the totally bad ass Disney princesses who were strong- without having to depend on a man?! Let me name a few:
Mulan
Merida
Elsa
Moana
And that’s just to name a few... So don’t go dragging Disney princesses into this....

*”We used to be attuned enough to know how shameful it is for men to hide behind their women, hoping she will take down Goliath. Have we forgotten how precious our women are? Have we forgotten that it is our glory to die in their place?”
Now I’m conflicted with this statement... Let me try my best to explain my opinions. #1- your glory to die in our place?.... The only person who should receive ultimate glory for dying in our place is Jesus Christ. Do not equate yourself to His level, you ain’t that special honey. Also, do not forget the soldiers, BOTH men and women who put their lives on the line to defend our country and our freedoms and liberties, yes including the one to spew this nonsense. Women too have felt the call to protect and defend. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that..... If you think there is, then maybe question why you aren’t up volunteering to do what they are doing.... And now here comes my conflict. I 100% agree that there is a problem with men, in particular Christian men, who will not stand up, or honestly for lack of better words- man up. They have chosen to sit down on so many things. Honoring God in all things for one, much less honoring women. But even then, the blame is not 100% on the men.... We live in a broken and corrupt world. So many men have lost sight of the treasure women have and give for cheap ideals that the world has fashioned. I’m not saying women aren’t lacking the same honor for God or even for men..... But that’s another blog post all together. There has been so much talk of “toxic masculinity” and “the war against masculinity” and the only thing i really have to say about all that is if your identity is truly routed in God, then you should have no concern about “attacks” against it.... The real issue seems to be insecurity. Men, if you are so concerned that a woman is stronger than you, are you even sure of where your true strength comes from?! Because if you really knew where your strength comes from, you would no that no one can take that from you- nor can you give it to yourself.... Just saying.
“I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
Psalm 46:1
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.” Psalm 28: 7-8
“ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40: 29-31
Just a few to get ya going.... But even in all that- there is nothing that says the men are the only ones allowed to be strong.

I could go on and on nit-picking this article, but my true point of this blog post is this.... Who are we to determine who is allowed strength. NO WHERE in the Bible does it call men to be the sole carriers of strength. So the idea that a woman cannot be a “hero” is absurd. If this author of the article would have taken a deeper look, he would have noticed some much deeper meanings to this movie that i think it’s important to notice... One of my favorite parts of the movie was a scene that showed Captain Marvel being essentially told that she was not strong enough to get up after being beaten down.... The movie then proceed to show a series of flash backs where Carol Danvers, Captain Marvel, had been knocked down throughout her entire life- off a bike, wrecked derby car, at basic training, etc. but do not miss this!!!! It was then followed by a series of flashbacks showing how she got back up EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  She did not let her falls keep her down. She chose to keep getting back up every single time she fell down. That is SOOOO important. Not just for women, but for men. This life is soooo hard. There have been times i have been knocked down, and i did not want to get back up. I’m just being honest. But i did. I kept going, even when is was hard and felt impossible. I got back up....
A second thing i think it’s important to realize.... Is that Captain Marvel was not born with her “strength” or “power” it was given to her.... Now there’s arguments about where that power really comes from in the movie but that’s not where I’m going with this. We need to realize that our power and strength is not from ourselves either. It is given to us by God. Everything we are comes from Him. And apart from Him, we are nothing and can do nothing. Let me tell you.... I have faced things in this life that i literally thought would kill me, that the weight of felt like it was crushing me. And honestly, on my own i would not still be here. I’m just being honest. But what happened, was i received strength from the One who is strength. Supernatural strength at times that i cannot even explain. I’m not even talking about physical strength, all though it takes that to continue in difficult times. I’m talking about strength that only God can give. Peace that one He can give. And that’s something i think the author is missing here..... He says that he mourns the times of the Disney princesses. Let me tell you what, i would rather have my daughter look up to Captain Marvel or Wonder Woman- believing that they possess power and strength- than sleeping beauty, Cinderella, Snow White, etc. You get the gist.
Now you’re probably thinking.... Tiffany, didn’t you say you believed in fairytales?? And the answer is yes... I sure do. I still believe that a man can sweep me off my feet. I believe there is a Prince Charming for me. I believe in happily ever after.... But i don’t base my whole life on that fact.... I’m not sitting around waiting for someone to come save me.... Someone already did that! And in Him i have my strength.... He is where my power comes from. I am not less than because I am without a husband or i don’t have a man to fight my battles for me. Trust me! I want a man to fight along side me.... I want a husband more than words can say! I do believe that a man should be the head of the household and lead his family in the way of the Lord. But that does not automatically mean that the wife is weak or a delicate flower.... I don’t need a man to complete me. I don’t need a man to fight my battles for me. God does both of those things and more. And that’s why I’m not willing to settle.... And that’s okay. Should more Christian men step up? DUH! But so should Christian women. We are not weak. We are not helpless. In God we are made strong. In God, we have all the help we need.

Now I have been blessed to have been privileged with several male friendships, and had a father, who honored both God and women. They did not and do not see this as a weakness in themselves, but rather choice to honor God through honoring and respecting women. They don’t stifle the strength of the women around them, but rather celebrate it. They encourage and push for growth in that strength, because they understand that that power really is God’s manifested through His daughters (and sons). They give me hope that good men do exist. So shout out to them!

Now like myself, this man has a right to his own opinions.... But some of his opinions are dangerous and are treading the waters or blasphemy.... This is, without a doubt, the worst article I’ve seen Desiring God release.
The author actually saying he mourns the days in which women in movies/stories did nothing but need saving? Had no character? Showed no strength or courage or develop their gifts? It’s truly truly sad....
I would like to see his research and statistics that back up your claim, that movies like this - that strong, courageous, kind, faithful women like this destroy all femininity in sight.... i mean, did you see the stuff Wonder Woman wore WHILE kicking butt?!?! CRAZINESS!
I’m not saying that all superhero movies are admirable or Godly, I just tend to see more Godly points in things because my mind just tends to gravitate that direction... But what i really don’t understand is what is the problem or hurt in young girls having role models other than the shallow and two dimensional damsels in distress from old Disney stories? The Bible does not call women to be damsels in distress.... One prime example....
*Mary, mother of Jesus
Y’all she was a teenager! And and Angel of the Lord appeared to her and said that she would become pregnant. Y’all she wasn’t married yet. Again she was a teenager. I feel like she was given a million reasons to distress. I would be FREAKING OUT! But without hesitation, she said “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” Luke‬ ‭1:38‬. That’s strength... Another?
*Queen Ester
Y’all.... She, a Hebrew woman, disguised herself to go into the kings palace to try and save her people from a man who hated the Hebrews..... She boldly stood up before her husband and made the case for her people, knowing well and good she could be killed. That’s strength....

Y’all God does not call women to be weak. God does not call women to be damsels in distress. God calls women His daughters. Yes to be loved and cherished, to be honored. But not once does the Bible say women cannot have strength. He is strength and He calls us to Himself. I choose to see characters like Captain Marvel and Wonder Woman as inspiration. To fight and stand up for what i believe in. To defend the least of these. To let my strength and power be seen, and therefore be a testament of the deeper Power and Strength that lives in me...
If you have read this far and understand half of this evening word vomit that I’m currently finishing up at 12:30am- you da real MVP!
 I’ll leave you with this one scripture:
“But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” 1 John‬ ‭4:4‬

DEAR SOON TO BE 30 YEAR OLD ME

Dear soon to be 30 year old me,

First of all.... DANG girl, you old! 30 always seemed to be some far away age that was so inconceivable to imagine reaching. But here we are, turning 30. This has been a deadline you had hoped to accomplish so much by, but so much is still left undone.... But just because it’s undone doesn’t mean it will never be.

Look back at the last 29 years.... Look at all you HAVE accomplished, all that you have faced, and all that you have survived. Things you never wanted to face and never thought you’d survive you did.... The losses, of both the still living and now deceased, you thought would end you.... yet you are still here. The heartache you never wanted- opened your eyes and grew you and you are stronger for it. The people that are no longer a part of your life only showed you who was really truly there for YOU, not just out of convenience or opportunity for them. Don’t let the past turn you hard.... God blessed you, yes blessed you, with a tender and compassionate heart. Always keep your softness.

Instead of dreading this age of being “ancient” with so many things left “undone”, choose to see it as the climactic part of your story God has been leading up to. The part to you that is unseen and unwritten. At the risk of sounding cheese, to quote one of the greatest white girl anthems of all time....
“Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten”
Choose to see this new decade of life as an unwritten novel. Just because your 20s were less than stellar, doesn’t mean that your 30s aren’t going to renew your spirit and your hope. Everyday is a new start. And new chance. FIND JOY IN THAT. Choose to see the good in this new, instead of the dread you have always felt. Give God the opportunity to blow your mind with blessings, and trust Him that the novel He is writing is better than the one you were....

Will there be hard times? probably. It’s life and sometimes it just sucks. But look at all you have faced! And you are still standing and breathing. There is still joy in your heart, despite the pain and hopelessness you have felt and endured. There is still grace. There is strength that came from your weakest and lowest of places.... 30 is not as bad as you think! It is new. It is fresh. It is a reflection of how far you have come and a start to all that is coming....

So look at 30 with hope and enthusiasm. You are stronger than you know.... You are kind. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You are soft. You are wise. You are His. God has you, and God has your 30s. Let’s go!

Ps....
Naps are good,
saying no is okay,
self care is wayyyyy more important than you think,
don’t fall into the same traps you did before,
yes- he really was pond scum, no- it wasn’t your fault,
yes- you really need that water- PLEASE DRINK THE WATER!,
No- you cannot pull an all-nighter anymore,
Keep God a priority.... It’s never the wrong idea,
Yes- Trusting God even when you have no idea what He is doing or see nothing at all in the works is much better than trying to make your own way.

PPS...
Be nice to yourself, you’re pretty incredible.