The Struggle of Inadequacy and Contentment

It has been a while since I have actually sat down and blogged. Yet again, I have the best intentions when I start off blogging, but then is tends to fall to the wayside. Lot's of things have happened lately but most recently has been the struggle of contentment with the season I am in....

This past weekend was probably one of the better weekends I have had in a while (THANK YOU JESUS), and was very much long overdue with work and other life stresses. I got to spend some much needed quality time with a lot of my friends which is rare to fit almost all of them into one jam packed weekend of fun but it happened! Got to go to a movie with my good friend Lindsey on Friday, spent a good bit of the day time Saturday being lazy/reading/hanging out with my day, got to spend the evening with some wonderful friends from my lifegroup cooking/eating/and watching Enchanted (always to presh), and Sunday was just a fun day seeing God move through Springdale Baptist. So many children's lives being changed for the better, and even witnessed 1 Timothy 4:12 in action! A young girl was saved during the Wednesday night service- went home and lived life with a new purpose- and the following Sunday her mother saw the change in her daughter and decided to make the decision to live a life following Christ. That fantastic morning was only followed up by a lovely afternoon in the sun with a good friend and a good book. I was on cloud 9! It was only later that night that I started to be drug back down to reality.

It never seems to fail that when you are you are having such an uplifting weekend, that the King of Lies and Thieves is only waiting in the shadows to try and make a move to steal your joy. And boy did I give in..... It was later that night after all the fun had been had that I was really left alone to think. For those who don't know me well- often when I am left alone too long with my thoughts- things can get a little hairy. haha. This particular time came from my thoughts on inadequacy and comparison..... 

I began thinking about a dear dear friend of mine. This particular friend has been the source of a lot of trying times in regards to patience. You see, this person came out of now where, and he took a little piece of my heart (unwillingly and unknowingly to me). I had no intention what so ever of giving him any attention much less a part of my heart. But God has a funny way of working that way- coming out of left field leaving you standing there dumbfounded. But anyways, back to the story. As time has passed by, I have become more and more attached to said boy all the while realizing that the chances of anything happening dwindling away... I began to wonder why God would allow me to have a complete bipolar change in heart, to develop such feelings, yet keep them at a distance (like dangling a carrot in front of a horse). Now this particular boy was nothing I ever expected to fall for- like ever- but here I was about to face plant with now pillows for cushion. Now at this time (and I think a lot of people can relate) I became completely vulnerable and weak. I began questioning why I do not deserve happiness or a good  guy. Now I am not known for making the best choices when it comes to guys. I tend to gravitate unfortunately toward jerks- not knowing they are jerks at the time of course.... I began to feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. Thoughts began to arise telling my I am not good enough to deserve a Godly man, I'm not pretty enough to attract a decent guy, I'm not this, I'm not that, I'M NOT ENOUGH! Those feelings and thoughts kept echoing throughout my mind... Now this is something that I struggle with a lot because one of my hearts greatest desires is to be married. Not only do I know this, but God knows this- as well as the enemy.... You see, the enemy knows exactly where and when to hit us when we are down. He knows our hurts, our struggles, and our vulnerabilities. While ready Steven Furtick's book CRASH THE CHATTERBOX, one of the things that has stuck with me the most and really had a lot of meaning to me in this struggle says "Because the voice you believe will determine the future you experience." WOW...... That stings a little bit.

When I am having all of those negative thoughts about myself, all these feelings of inadequacy, whose voice am I truly listening to?? I KNOW God would never say, nor has He ever said to be "Tiffany, you are not enough." NOT ONCE! In fact God says His grace is enough for us. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."..." Not only does God say His grace is enough, but that His power works best in our weakness! The bible says that each one of us is fearfully and wonderfully made, we are created for God's purpose! What a wonderful, reassuring promise.... If I would have heard one of my friends, or one of my girls in the youth say that they are not enough- I would give them the what for! If I would not allow them to talk that way about themselves, why in the world would I allow myself to talk that way about me? I was allowing the enemy to get in head and manipulate my thoughts.... After all that is what he is best at.... God should be what defines our life! Not our feelings of inadequacy, our position in life, or where we stand on our on crazy timelines.

This past week in small group, we learned about Eve and the struggle with contentment. Eve was not content with what God had provided her so she sought fulfillment elsewhere... I don't know about you, but I feel like feelings of inadequacy and the search for contentment tend to go hand in hand. Often when feelings of inadequacy arise, you begin searching for ways to fill that void- a way to be content. It is a vicious cycle that can become never ending, unless you truly find contentment in Christ.   I LOVE the passage in John 4 where Jesus is speaking to the woman at the well. This passage so rings true with the struggle with contentment.... In verses 13 and 14  is says "Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again—ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well[a] of water springing up within him for eternal life.” It is so true.... When we search for fulfillment, happiness, adequacy, love, acceptance, (fill in the blank)- we will always be on a persistent search for something to fill that desire or need. It is only when we truly seek God for that fulfillment that we will truly have or thirst quenched, that our imperfections and inadequacies will fade away, and the pure and utter joy and happiness that can only come from Christ will consume and change us. I love the longing for this fulfillment seen in the woman at the well. She tells Jesus i verse 15, "“Sir,” the woman said to Him, “give me this water so I won’t get thirsty and come here to draw water.”" She was so thirsty for something to quench her needs, and just relinquished it to Christ.  All of those feelings of inadequacy and my struggle with being content with the season I am in in life left me completely thirsty... It was through encouraging words from friends that helped me realize that. I took a step back and realized that God has got this under control, according to His will, with my best interest at heart. My favorite bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11, says it all: "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." God knows that desires of my heart, more than I know myself.... I have all the faith in the world that God has an awesome plan for my life, including a Godly man that will sweep me off my feet and make me look back and wonder why I ever doubt God in anyway shape or form.

 My desire is to be like the woman at the well- finding my happiness and contentment in Jesus and His plan for my life- and leaving all of those feelings of inadequacy with the loser who tried to plant them in my mind and steal my joy. Not today sir, not today...