Y’all, i don’t blog often. And when i do, it’s usually because i have something i need to say. So here it goes....
To say that i am ready for new is an understatement....
This past decade of life has not been the best for me. I have felt more pain, heart ache, loss, devastation, and hopelessness in the past 10 years than i could have ever imagined. If you would have told 20 year old Tiffany 10 years ago what was laying ahead of her, she would have thought you were lying....
The loss of not one, but both my parents.
The destruction of my little family bubble.
The loss of friendships you never thought or imagined would end.
Switching jobs and complete career fields.
The destruction, the Hiroshima really, of the picture in my head of what i thought my life would look like by now.
And unfortunately, at times, the loss of my own self worth, self esteem, and direction.
These are just few of the lowlights of the past ten years.. If you and i were sitting across from one another at coffee i could go into detail of all the things, but there’s just not enough words or time to describe all the things. I have felt my heart shatter more times than i can count, I’m actually surprised that it still works at this point! The only thing i can attribute to my survival is the sheer grace of Jesus.
I’ve grown up in church my whole life. I’ve read the passages, I’ve sang the Hymns, I’ve prayed the prayers. I could given you all the text cliche answers people expect you to say or turn to. But sometimes, God literally has to carry (drag) you through some things! If you’re still reading this far, kudos to you! I promise it’s not all doom and gloom! It’s really a story about Jesus.
I remember when my mom died when i was 22. Having to make decisions that no 22 year old should be in charge of making like what measures should be taken to keep her alive. It was God who held me as i walked down the path of losing a mother when i had no clue what i was doing in life. God placed friends in my life who literally took care of me in a way my mother would have. I never imagined losing my mother young, and i always thought it would kill me. But God walked with me through it. It’s never gotten easier, but grace helps me through it.
With the loss of my mom, i clung that much closer to my Dad. So when my dad told me he was getting remarried, i was less than pleased. AND THEY MOVED AWAY FROM ME BACK TO ALABAMA! But that lady too turned into a blessing..... God knew that Judy was the mom i would need for the seasons ahead. Now, I’m not saying i don’t need my mom- my mom was my rock. But God became my rock, and Judy became a source of encouragement deeply rooted in the trenches. She’s one i can call and talk to and she always has Godly wisdom. Y’all, no part of my family is quiet..... we are all loud. I get it from both sides. If you’re thinking, “but wait she’s quiet”, no I’m not. Trust me, get to know me. Y’all will see the Payton/Green sides real fast. But Judy has a quiet strength about her, one that is steady. One from her own years of digging and crawling in the trenches of this life. I hope one day, i too will be blessed with that quiet steadfast strength. Although we live many miles away, i know she’s only a phone call away. I was worried when my dad passed that i would lose her too, but she has firmly secured herself in my life making sure i know she loves me as her own.
The Christmas before my dad died, i went to Alabama to spend it with my family. Due to some things that had happened throughout the year, my Dads health had taken a nose dive. My Dad was always this solid rock of a man, inside and out. But he was suffering. It was hard to watch and my heart was breaking. I made my Dad promise to hang in there. To get better. I told him “you have to walk me down the aisle someday, promise me you will keep fighting to get better”. He made that promise, but that was not a promise he could keep. He passed away the following June. He was completely healed, a prayer we had all be praying for, just not how we pictured it. I remember flying to Alabama all alone. Hiding in the bathroom at the funeral home, feeling completely alone, and in walked Rachael (my step niece- she’s around my same age, all my siblings are older than me). She sat with me while i cried. God gave me a friend to lean on when my Oklahoma family (my God given family) couldn’t be there. I remember sitting at the funeral and praying and crying, and feeling this complete rush of peace wash over me. I knew Jesus was there with me too. When i felt completely orphaned, God reminded me i was first His daughter, and still am.
I won’t go into too much detail with the loss of friendships. We all know the pains of this I’m sure.... People grow apart. People hurt us. We hurt people. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, and sometimes that’s painful to accept. But when their time is done, LET THEM GO. It’s a painful struggle you will never win. If they are truly meant to be in your life, they will be there. Regardless of the mess, but sometimes with remarked boundaries. But God has provided me with a handful of faithful friendships who have walked down the painful paths life has taken me. Who have sat in hospital hallways crying with me. Who have welcomed me into their families when i had none. Who have listened to me cry and cry and cry, and never ridiculed or judged me. Who offer encouraging words and listening ears when i need them the most. Who’ve let me love on their babies, while i still pray and wait and hope that God has some for me. Who have literally walked through hell and back with me without wavering. Who believe in me more than i believe in myself. Who remind me Who’s i am, and who i am when i don’t see it myself. Who’ve prayed for me, and held me accountable in my walk. THEY ARE THE REAL MVPS. I know each friend, those who are current and those of the past, God put in my life for a reason. Whether it be a blessing or a lesson.
Stemming from one of the biggest blessings God has given me in friendship form, are two of the greatest sources of joy in my life: my godsons Zak and Zayd. Literally they make my life so full. Being their Fifi is the best. They are the source of so much laughter and fun in my life! I did not know how much you could love someone so much until i met them 💙💙. I’m literally wrapped around their fingers. And they know it!
Growing up, i wanted to be a meteorologist! But i quickly realized I’m terrified of tornadoes, soooo God said be a nurse! When my Dad was facing major surgery the summer after my junior year and there was a whole lot of family mess going on (coffee talk), i decided to drop out of college and move home to take care of my parents. Everyone has there opinions “you should go back to school” “you’re so close to finishing!”, but i know I made the right decision. That not only allowed me to be able to care for my parents, but it also gave me the last year i had with my mom that i would have not had otherwise (GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN). Shortly after my mom passed, i started working at an Oncology Clinic. It was some of those most rewarding and most difficult times of life. I was able to help people through some of the most difficult times of their lives. I saw people at their best, and at their worst. That takes a toll on your soul... Almost six years i worked there, mine soul was becoming very weary. When my Dad passed, i knew i could no longer handle this drain on my heart and my soul. Then my Dads best friend passed and that was my sign, it’s time to move on. One of my dearest friends Lindsey told me that there was a job opening in the court clerks office at the courthouse she worked at, and even though i had no real clue what a court clerk did and obviously i had no experience, i decided after a lot of prayer to submit my application. I got a call and set up an interview, and the same day i interviewed Amanda offered me the job. Much to my own surprise, i accepted right away. This was the new door God was opening for me. To this day i still don’t know why, but i know God placed me in Creek County for a reason. There’s no other explanation aside from it was a complete God thing. To be honest, i didn’t even know where Creek County was before this job! But here my city girl self is, living the creek county life. One of the hardest things i faced in this decision, was leaving what i knew and the family i had developed over those 6ish years for something completely foreign. But over the past 2 years, the girls in the court clerks office others i have been introduced to because of being there have become a new family to me. One that i would not trade for world.
So although the past decade has been a series of valleys, there have been quite a few rays of sunshine and stream of grace showing me that God still has me. Sometimes when we face hard things, it’s difficult to remember that there is always room for Joy. Joy does not mean that you are happy 24/7. It just means that in the face of all that is bad, you can still see good. Even if it’s only the size of a mustard seed, good is good. My life is nothing like what i had pictured in my head, not the time line i had created for myself. I’m not married yet. I don’t have any kids yet. And those kids won’t get to know how awesome my parents would have been as grandparents to them. My dad won’t get to walk me down the aisle someday. I don’t have all of the outstanding achievements and successes attached to my name or degrees i hoped to achieve. And I’m learning that that is okay. To accept that Gods plan and time line for my life is better than any one i can create for myself. That is hard at times and i struggle with it. But I’m thankful that God gives me grace for that...
I know there are many people hurting, who have faced similar things recently. So many people have lost loved ones. So many are struggling. So many have lost themselves. So many are chasing people or things, wearing themselves out. I’ve been there, shoot there are some (most) days I’m still there. The journey to love myself is an everyday thing. The fight to regain my self worth and self esteem is an everyday battle, to take back what i lost. But i know that it is a fight and a journey that are so worth it. I just want you to know you are not alone. You are loved. You matter. And you are seen. By others, but most importantly by God. In the words of the great Dr. Seuss “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
With the new decade approaching, I’m reminded that there is a time for everything. A time to mourn. And a time to dance. And I’m choosing to believe and hope and pray that the time for mourning is over, and this decade is going to hold a whole lot of dancing! Y’all i love to dance! Sure there will be tears, after all i am the self proclaimed queen of crying.... But i pray they are tears of great joy! For you and for me!
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy!” Psalms 126:5
